Learn Filmmaking: The Art of Failing

BLINK, and we're already at the end of January as I’m racing to get a new goal of mine done in just the nick of time: a monthly filmmaker-focused blog! I am a multi-hyphenate (with all the hyphens) writer, producer, director, and actor who is always looking to learn, grow, and share my findings with the community. The mission of this blog is to share my personal stories, experiences, failures, and wins while navigating through the entertainment industry to hopefully help you in your journey. Each month you can expect to find links to relevant events, products, podcast episodes, and other resources that I feel are relevant to the topic of the month. For my very first blog post, I thought I’d share a little more backstory about myself and center around the topic of failing and why we should try to do it more often.

My story shares a multitude of “failures”, some more lessons and navigational turns that were helpful to my growth. I graduated from the American Musical and Dramatic Academy with a B.F.A. in musical theater. I did the 2-year conservatory portion in NYC and then finished my bachelors in Los Angeles, where now a decade later, I decided I’m never leaving. Throughout this decade (I celebrated 10 years in LA this past October), there was a lot of learning about what kind of storyteller and performer I wanted to be. I chose Musical Theater as a degree because I couldn’t decide between my acting, singing, and dancing passions but learned rather quickly that I wasn’t super passionate about all musicals and to make it, beggars can't be choosers. So, as one does in LA, I picked up a restaurant job, waiting in long lines to audition, till I quit both (only after 4 months).
I moved onto a full-time sales and showroom customer service position at a luxury bath, kitchen, and lighting gallery where I had to learn the plumbing world of all things very quickly and grow to become essentially a project manager liaising between contractors, designers, and homeowners. I did recognize I felt more relaxed having a stable and somewhat decent income at the time, and remaining independent from my parents was a top priority for me. I was having a bit of an identity crisis not fully grasping that I was letting go of musical theater. If any of you had to let go of a dream before, you can imagine how hard it is. How shameful and guilty one can feel. You feel like you failed. Well, these feelings are normal until you finally accept the path you are destined to be on, the one that is more fulfilling and you just need to discover it!

I began taking “acting for the camera” classes; LA is a film city (the best!) and signed with a bad commercial agent (a tale for another time). These all felt like smart moves. In class, we were beaten down with mantras like “create your own work” and “work with your peers and make something!” (all great advice) after a while of struggling to make it to my in-person auditions because of work, I decided I needed to take control over my career and be the producer talking about my work, not the actor looking for work.

I co-wrote, produced, and starred in a web series, casting my classmates as actors. Unfortunately, the director I was collaborating with at the time took all the producing and writing credit and never finished the project even though I offered to help with editing as I was beginning to teach myself Adobe Premiere. He responded that with his nine years of professional editing experience, he had it all under control. Sigh. Another failure. However, from the peers I brought on to act in the series, I found my producing partner, Tessa Markle, and we started writing our own feature film “Desert Flowers,” a twist on a Sergio-Leone-styled Spaghetti Western where instead of two cowboys seeking revenge, two estranged sisters come together to avenge their father’s death. We knew absolutely nothing about filmmaking and thought a period piece film set in the wild west of California would be the perfect, most feasible first film for us to take on…oh how ignorance is bliss! We embarked on filming its proof of concept, shooting the hardest, most action-packed scenes including us acting while riding on horses alongside two stunt-men firing guns in our direction. Although we came out with a pretty badass proof of concept… we both realized that we were not ready with our limited experience to go forward with this project as our first attempt at making a feature. So semi-failure? No, but a learning lesson that launched other scripts and our production company Femme Regard Productions in 2018 with the mission to provide more work for women in front of and behind the camera.

In 2019, we launched our production podcast Femme Regard Podcast to build an audience that’s passionate about film, share what we learn about filmmaking without having gone to film school, and most importantly to grow our network of amazing women in our industry. We started inviting weekly guests on the podcast with a focus on providing a platform for women and diverse creatives to interview and share their work. We didn’t know a single female filmmaker when we first started so doing the work to research and create this show helped launch the community we have today! We were able to network with so many amazing talented individuals that when it came to making our first feature film SYNC this past year (2023), most of the women we hired came from being podcast guests and the relationships we’ve built over the years. THIS WAS A DREAM COME TRUE!

On set for *SYNC*, feature. We love our ladies!

Through the years of building up Femme Regard, from our first proof of concept to finishing our first feature film this year, I’ve always held a full-time job (except for 2020, thanks Covid). Yes, I’m one of those crazy people who once was very intimidated that I didn't have what it takes to do it all! Similar to my musical theater degree choice, I didn’t want to just choose one role! What I’m about to say next is going to sound very woo-woo LA but hear me out. I learned my “energy type” is a “manifesting generator,” and for those of us who are this type, we cannot choose but THRIVE in doing multiple things. There are five main energy types: manifestor, manifesting generator, generator, projector, and reflector. Each of these has a different way of explaining how one flows, makes decisions and feels their best! Founder Jenna Zoe of “My Human Design” describes it as “The road to being your happiest, most successful self is one that is totally unique to you. Human Design is here to help you recognize your innate gifts and traits, so that you can be who you truly came here to be - which is the most effortless road to living your dream life.”

“My Human Design” describes it as “The road to being your happiest, most successful self is one that is totally unique to you. Human Design is here to help you recognize your innate gifts and traits, so that you can be who you truly came here to be - which is the most effortless road to living your dream life.”

— Jenna Zoe, Founder of My Human Design

She was interviewed on one of my favorite podcasts (The Skinny Confidential), and perhaps some of you entrepreneurs and creatives will know who I’m talking about as she’s appeared on many more shows! There’s even a quiz you can take on her website that will tell you what your type is, and I immediately shared it with everyone! It’s important to understand that you have a specific way of operating and feeling fulfilled that is not for everyone. So I shut off all my inner thoughts and owned that I can be all the things I want to be WHILE STILL HOLDING DOWN A FULL-TIME JOB. Yes, that’s right. I learned producing while working my day job at the plumbing showroom (managing teams of people, budgets, timelines, and deliveries) which I lost during the pandemic 2020, then I was a freelance digital content creator and producer on several short films, and now since July 2022, I am an Account Manager of Feature Films at EIKON for Warner Bros. and Disney. We can have a whole other blog on holding down a full-time job while making films but for myself, this was essential for my mental health and well-being.

In some ways, it most definitely killed me but in other ways gave me the resources to be less financially stressed and further discipline to deadlines. Anyone who says you aren’t a real artist if you’re working a 9-5 can suck it. My film was just another project on my day-to-day slate. I’d take meetings during my lunch break and work most evenings and weekends. It was a grind but one I passionately felt worth pursuing. This was the first time in my career that I knew I was dedicating myself to something I loved completely and unconditionally with all the hardships in place. From writing the script and pitching during the pandemic to fundraising while starting a new job, to producing and shooting an insane schedule, I could not feel more joy than when I was on set and knew my years in the making for this moment had all been worth it. It was okay that I wasn’t on Broadway. It was okay that I wasn’t an actor auditioning anymore. It was okay because I found my own way.

The takeaway I hope to leave you with from my attempt to condense a very long personal journey is that it is okay to fail. Failing means you tried. You dared to do something you weren’t comfortable with. Or maybe it was something you thought you wanted and learned it wasn’t for you. Failing means getting a clearer understanding of who you are. It means saying no to things that aren’t serving your ultimate goal or improving yourself and trying again. Stopping fighting for something you don’t ultimately want. I hope I continue to fail, to learn, to grow, and to win every now and then. Because when I do win, I know I will have won the lottery.

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